Eric Vs Edward
by Kyia.L.Kenobi
Summary: Hunter Redfern kidnaps Eric Ross and Edward Cullen in a bid to find out which is the most annoying. The loser gets to be the prize in many many boxes of Frosted Flakes. Twilight Fans be warned of flames! Please R'N'R COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

I wrote this after a throw away comment in Strange Fate, as close as you'll ever get (one of my other humour fics, I thought Hunter Redfern deserved his chance with the Frosted Flakes, please RNR)

All Eric Ross remembered was answering the door. He had expected it to be an Avon salesman or one of those nice two pounds a month charity people. How he did like talking to those! Although the last one had run screaming from the house in front of a moving Guinness truck, but he had been cleared of all charges.

Instead standing half in shadow, his white teeth smiling dazzlingly brilliant in the midday sun was a red haired man, in his early thirties.

After that it had all gone black.

Eric came around, his head pounded, he felt like someone had hit him over the head with a baseball bat, which strangely enough wasn't that far from the truth. The man at the door hadn't needed the bat, he had used telepathy to actually knock him out, that part had just been for fun.

He struggled at his has bonds but he could tell, the person who had tied him up wasn't like Thea, they knew how to tie a knot he couldn't get out of. The last time she had tried that game of hers, it had taken him three days to get home but he had still found her!

"Urrrrrggghhhhh"

The groans took Eric by surprise. He wasn't alone. He was sitting back to back, Indiana Jones style with someone else. Two chairs, two victims. Who else had this fiend kidnapped?????

"What the , where's Bella, what have you done with Bella?????"

A voice behind him cried out with absolute anguish.

"Calm down" Eric took charge, he was school choir captain, head of the origami league. He was used to being in charge. "My name's Eric Ross, we seem to be in a bit of trouble here"

"But what have you done with BELLA" He shrieked from behind him.

Eric couldn't see the owner of the voice, however he did have a sudden urge to punch him til he got a grip. "I'm tied up too, maybe you can reach my knots?"

"If you've hurt bella, I'll kill you I swear it, on the very blood that flows through my veins. On everything I hold dear, I'll rip you apart" The voice continued

"Look" Eric went on "I don't think you quite understand, I'm tied up too, I was knocked out, tied up and brought here, just like you"

"I'll hunt you down for the rest of your days. I'll not rest! Do you understand? Now where is Bella. What have you done with Bella, tell me?"

"Dude, I'm tied up" Eric screamed in a high pitched voice. It was the only thing he could think to do. That high pitched girly voice always worked for Poppy.

The voice started weeping quietly "Bella, Bella" it muttered

Eric sighed. He looked around. They were in a factory. A BIG factory. Their strapped chairs were on a high up, from his seat he could see the entire factory floor. Everywhere there was machinery, in varying sizes. And boxes, cereal boxes stacked up in endless rows. Running forever with that cheesy picture on the cover. But it was the machinery that put the fear of the Goddess into him. It was on top of of one of the larger pieces of equipment that they were resting. Still all that cereal. If only he had some milk.....

"Hmmmm Frosted Flakes" Eric grinned. He was hungry!

"Bella bella" the voice whimpered

"I'm Eric Ross" He tried again

He heard a sniff as if the man behind him was snorting snot up his nose. Crying like a girl will do that to you. "I'm Edward, Edward Cullen, do you work for Victoria?"

"Huh, who's that?"

Edward sniffed again "A evil vampire trying to build a army of vampires and kill my darling sweet, beautiful, innocent Bella"

"Errrr no" Eric replied

"Okay then" Edward's head tried to turn "Are you sure?"

"Yes" Eric looked down just to check.

There was a long pause, Eric shifted uncomfortably in his chair. There wasn't really much you could do when you were kidnapped. Since his hands were tied...

"Never gonna give you up" he started to sing half heartedly "Never gonna let you down"

"Don't sing" Edward replied deadly serious "My face is shiny, like diamonds, I might kill you"

Eric shut up quickly. Dimly he wondered if Bella was a dude. He looked around tapping his fingers, the only part of him that could move. He was sooooo bored. What could you do when you do when you couldn't move your arms and legs? This guy didn't seem like the type for eye spy.

Plus he was wearing tight jeans and sitting quite happily with his bare chest on show. Eric had the nasty suspicion that he was a vampire.

The silence stretched, it was getting awkward, what could two guys talk about when one was semi naked?

"So" Eric muttered, playing it safe "Your girlfriend's called Bella then"

"Bella" Edward said her name like it was a sigh "She's tender, brave and so utterly beautiful. And she has the most private mind....."

Eric scrunched up his face, if anyone was beautiful, tender and brave it was Thea. And she definitely had a private mind. She almost never told him what she really though. "Bet she doesn't have as much of a private mind as my girlfriend" He muttered, not sure whether he should be annoying the guy behind him.

"Her mind is VERY private" Edward growled, no one insulted his precious Bella

Eric straightened up "Thea never tells me anything"

"Bella is so private she needs to hide away from me with a very good looking werewolf" The bare-chested vampire shifted in his chair causing Eric to move as well.

Eric crossed his arms in annoyance "Thea is so private that she does spells on me and my friends but doesn't tell me because its for my own good. I only find out because I'm clever"

"Bella is so private she threw herself off a cliff because I was in her mind"

Eric's jaw dropped, not even he could counter that, so he threw his head backwards, smacking it into Edward. It made such a satisfying thud.

"Owwwwww" Edward shrieked

"Nice to see you gentlemen are getting along" It was the silky smooth tones of their captor.

"Who are you, and what have you done with Bella?!"

"Not this again" Eric moaned

"I am Hunter Redfern, and today one of you is going to die"


	2. BELLA! What have you done with Bella!

Cheers for the reviews so far :) No promises over who is gonna end up in the shredder although I think there is a CLEAR FAVOURITE!!!!!!!!!! Hope you all like the next chapter.

The tall red haired man loomed over them, his mere presence was enough to make Edward Cullen wet his pants.

Eric didn't blame him, he was close to dropping one himself, True this guy was scary but he had fought evil ghosts, faced the council of witches, plus he had to deal with Blaise on a daily basis. And she was not a happy witch once a month. In fact they now closed the school specially. But being soulmates with her sister when she was reaching for the chocolate, carnelians and cursing all male kind, he did tend to bare the brunt of her wrath. However he was currently more concerned that the wet patch would spread over to his side of the chair. "Errrr what do you want?" he muttered.

Hunter sneered at the pathetic pair with contempt. And they were possibly the most pitiful sight he had ever seen, and he had met Galen Drache. In fact he had nearly taken Eric's spot. Hunter sighed, he hated politics, if the boy wasn't a damn shapeshifter prince, and kidnapping would start a war and no doubt screw him over come the millennium he WOULD have made room for a third chair.

Still, with that one, there was the certainty that he would get himself killed eventually, or that his soulmate would get bored and eat him. Now that did make Hunter Redfern smile, just a little bit.

"Do you know who I am?"

Edward Cullen blinked his puppy dog eyes at him, hoping that would work, since it had managed to get him out of most things in his life. "No, but I'm sure you're not really evil, that you're just misunderstood. Has anyone ever loved you? I mean really loved you?"

Hunter took out a baseball bat and beat him, just for a little bit, just to shut him up. Plus it was fun.

When the muscle fatigue started to set into his arms, which takes time in a vampire, he stopped. Hunter put down the bat leisurely and pulled a white handkerchief out of his pocket and gently dabbed the sweat from his forehead "Pull anymore of that teen angst crap and I'll upload that movie to youtube, the one you did when you were young, naive and broke"

Edward's bruised head dropped, once again he began to sob "Not Ram-and Poke-her's Dracula! I was just starting out, I needed to pay the rent, then this part..... it happens to so many of us, so many, so many"

"Dude, that was you!" Eric had seen the movie, it was a classic.

"Anyway" Hunter replaced the handkerchief "Since you both seem to be oblivious to the danger you are in, let me spell it out for you, in small words, so you'll both be sure to understand"

_Even though you're both supposed to be sooooo well read, dumbasses. _ He thought to himself. "As I was saying, I am HUNTER Redfern. The most feared vampire in all the world. I am not some weak minded fool who succumbs to the soulmate principle or dies after one book. In short I am the deadliest foe you will ever encounter. And you have both irritated the hell out of me."

"Oh" They both replied

"Now" Hunter started to pace up and down the top of the massive piece of machinery "I was tempted just to kill the both of you. In fact Bella and Thea practically begged me to do it"

"Bella, what have you done with Bella" Edward cried out, clearly unable to stand the mention of his beloved name.

"This is giving me a headache" Eric mumbled, not brave enough to be louder in the presence of two vampires.

Hunter sniggered "For vermin, Bella was actually quite cordial. Her constant falling over as I was dragging you away did make me laugh immensely. I take it she suffered some form of brain damage to her motor cortex when she threw herself off that cliff"

"No" Edward growled " Bella is beautiful, wise and brave. She just happens to be really clumsy"

"Oh" Hunter pulled a face like he'd just called someone's baby boy a 'pretty little girl'. How was he supposed to know, the girl had fallen over A LOT, plus she had broken a vase, her nail, and his aid's leg all by accident in the five minutes it took him to bag and tag Edward. "Anyway, as I said she did not seem to mind getting rid of you. The only thing that seemed to make her anxious was sex. The poor girl blurted out the entire story about how you weren't up to it. She wasn't my type so I gave her the number of a dear friend of mine, Damon Salvator, who no doubt will help her out. He's not a fan of marriage either so I'm sure they'll get on swimmingly!"

Eric held on for dear life as the chair rocked with rage. Edward screamed with rage.

He had no sympathy for him, Thea and him would have got down to business, if not for her incessant headaches and of course Pillowpants.

Hunter rolled his eyes, not impressed that with all that noise and banging around other vampire could not get himself out of the rope, which wasn't even hemp. "Thea said something about moving to Maui, or was it China, I don't remember" He shrugged ignoring the glare of Eric "Being ever merciful I have decided to kill just one of you, the most annoying. I might even pit the two of you against each other in a sort of Battle Royale. The winner, so to speak, gets put into the shredder " He pointed to the floor. The machine they were standing on had a giant hopper, clearly big enough for a vampire or human. "And distributed to the world in hundreds of boxes of Frosted Flakes"

Eric's eyes widened, he was in trouble, he knew he was in trouble, dimly he thought of Poppy, accidently eating a piece of his ear for breakfast. No that would never do. He had to get himself out of this. He had to use all of his immense cunning......oh dear.

"Oh please Mr Hunter sir. You don't need to have a competition. He is way more annoying than me." Eric would have put his hand up, but it was tied to the arm of the chair.

"I AM not" The vampire protested

Eric smiled smugly, knowingly just what to do on this one "Bella"

"What have you done with Bella you fiend!" Edward started off on his rant yet again.

Hunter raised an eyebrow, impressed

"See" Eric shouted over Edward's repeated cries of 'Bella' "Kill him not me"

Hunter walked back to the door, he wheeled out a chalkboard. "Nice try Eric but Thea gave me your science book, the one with the faces on all the worms" He took it out of his back pocket and held it open, showing the dissected worms with cute cartoon faces.

"Damn!" Eric cursed through his teeth.

"The back page has also got all the lyrics to the song Never Gonna Give You Up" Hunter put the book away and turned to the chalkboard and wrote in big letters, ERIC VS EDWARD. But beneath Edwards name he put a tally line. "But because I like to encourage friendly competition that leads to a messy death, I'll give Edward a head start towards the Frosted Flakes" _Plus you do have a point about the Bella thing. _


	3. You would have made a great cheerleader!

Cheers for all the good comments so far, here Hunter gets down to his tests in earnest. If any of you have any good ideas about what you want Hunter to do to Eric and Edward I am OPEN to suggestions bwhahahahahahah.

I apologise for my sloppy spelling and grammar, I'm the type of girl who churns stuff out and hopes it's funny. I don't obsess over what I've written or read it back. Which I probably should.

Hunter tapped his hands lightly on the top of the hopper. Oh how he was tempted to throw the both of them in, the screaming would be delicious. But he had decided one of the girls deserved to have one of their beau's back, just because they were stupid enough to get saddled with them in the first place. Plus his tests were very cunning.

His first idea had just been to let them fight it out. A nice big bloody battle was therapeutic for the soul after all. Then he realised just how unfair that would be. As pathetic as Edward Cullen was he did have a slight head start being a vampire. Plus watching the two of them trip over each others feet for two hours would torture him more than it would Edward and Eric.

So, he had pondered, how to separate the mildly irritating from the truly spectacularly annoying?

For the first test Hunter Redfern brought out his laptop. Edward looked at him in amazement as his hands were untied.

"What do you want me to do?" he quivered

"Oh what ever you want" Hunter replied nonchalantly, "Whatever you feel like doing, look on ebay for another shirt to mysteriously get all torn up for all I care" Hunter clicked Internet Explorer browser, and let Edward go nuts. He preferred Microsoft programmes this Apple Mac business. Hunter did not know why but he felt a strange kind of kinship with Bill Gates.

_I wonder if he has a son I can turn? That might be a plan, after all I am still looking for a successor to my evil empire since Quinn turned all good. _

"Heyyyyy" Eric moaned "I'm bored, don't I get a go?"

"I've only got one laptop" Hunter hissed "Wait your turn"

His plan was simple, he had installed some simple keystroke spywear on the laptop. That and a simple case of checking the browser history, he could get a in-depth view of the Edward and Eric's errrrrr psyche. He hoped it wasn't going to be two girls one cup. Ivan had emailed him that one a few years ago. Luckily the Cat had caught up to him before Hunter had.

He gave them half an hour each, having to wrestle it out of Eric's sweaty hands.

Apparently it had not crossed either of their small minds to email the police, Circle Daybreak or Edward's Mom to get them out of this. "Morons" Hunter cursed under his breath.

Eric Ross's internet time appeared split between Rick Astley fan forum website and on one of those pharmacy on-line sites ordering snake venom antidote. Why the human wanted three gallons did bemuse Hunter, he knew from experience those Harmans could be determined little witches when they wanted to bump someone off. The forum had given Eric valuable annoying points, where he had got into a rather heated argument about which video Rick had cooler trousers in.

He opened a new window and looked into Edward Cullen's internet history.

Google, Edward Cullen had Googled himself. Lots.

"What ya doin?" Eric asked

Hunter looked up at his prey over the laptop screen. Edward was doing that 'ever so serious' pouty fan boy look that he had no doubt practice in the mirror a hundred times. Eric was grinning with his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth.

_Is there really any reason WHY I can't kill both of them?_

No he had promised, and Hunter Redfern always kept his word, no matter how hideously unfair it was.

"Seeing what you looked at"

He put the laptop on the floor and stood. Slowly he walked towards the chalkboard. He picked up the white chalk, this test hadn't really been much of a contest, he had known from the start who would win THIS one. He drew a second tally line under Edward's name.

"YES!" Eric cried out. "I said brrrr it's cold in here!" He started to sing "I said there must be some ERIC in the atmosphere!" He moved his hands in a little dance "I said brrrrrrrr!" He added in a high pitched falsetto voice, he did another little hand jive "It's cold in here, I said there must be some Eric in the atmosphere, I said oh e oh e oh, ice ice ice, SLOW IT DOWN, oh e oh e oh ice ice ice!"

Hunter sighed with exasperation, and drew the first chalk line under Eric's name. No one shakes their booty in front of Hunter Redfern, no one.

Eric's face fell. He shut up.

Edward sniggered "You would have made a great cheerleader"

"I know" Eric agreed, that was always the dream.

For Hunter's next diabolical test, he untied them fully.

Edward immediately rushed at the other vampire. Hunter slapped him hard. He couldn't bring himself to do anything manly, a being such as Edward Cullen quite frankly didn't deserve it. The slap nearly sent him flying off the top of the giant shredder. Eric who knew better than a stupid act of bravery stayed seated.

"Now" Hunter wiped Edward's face off his hand onto his trousers "Look over there"

Edward Cullen picked himself up off the floor and stared off into the distance. Hanging from the ceiling were two stuffed dolls. One had Bella written on it's face in green crayon, the other had Thea written on her stomach in green crayon for the T and the H and then blue for the other letters where the stupid thing had snapped. Timmy hated it when the crayons snapped, it had taken him a whole afternoon at school to make the dolls for Hunter. He had been most touched. He appreciated it when his minions did his arts and crafts for him.

"Bella says she loves you Edward" Hunter said as if he were reading a Kentucky Fried Chicken menu after just eating his way through the entire staff of a Burger King restaurant. Greasy food always upset his stomach. "She says she wants to be with you forever and have lots of babies and stuff"

Edward's eyes filled with tears, he was on his knees already from the slap, but he crawled towards the edge of the balcony and looked lovingly at the Bella doll. "I love you too Bella. Oh I love you so much. But we can't be together, Oh we can't" He sniffed and a little bit of snot came out "I'm dangerous Bella, that CK One perfume you wear and the fact you shower everyday, makes you smell so sweet. I might lose control. I'm so scared I might hurt you my love. Oh the agony, Oh the anguish! You need to keep away from me"

Eric looked on from his chair "Seriously dude, I can't compete with that"

Hunter agreed, he walked over to the chalkboard and put another line under Edward's name.

Two tests down, Current Score, 3-1


	4. Say it out LOUD!

"Right" Hunter sighed, he had hoped this would be more fun. He remembered the good old days when Quinn would bring home all sorts of goodies. Traffic wardens, those door to door charity people, Jehovah's witnesses. The fun they used to have! Then when they were finished they would slump down together on the sofa with Bad Boys 2, after all even vampires need downtime.

He took a baseball out from behind the chalkboard. Another simple test......simple but ever so telling.

"A Baseball?"

The most feared vampire alive sighed "Well done Eric, you get to go free"

"Really?" He exclaimed

"No" He dropped it on the floor in between them. "Whoever throws most like a girl gets the next point"

"Whoa" Eric held up his hands, stepping back from the ball as if it were another snake. Thea did like to leave him presents "That's hardly fair"

Hunter's yellow eyes showed he clearly cared about as much as he did when Maeve Harman finally filed for divorce. "And"

"Well he's a....."

Edward suddenly stared intently, he took the human by the shoulders, leaving Eric, once again wondering about whether Bella was really a dude. "Well"

Eric stuttered "Well your skin is kinda pale white and ice cold, your eyes change colour"

Edward clutched him tighter

Eric continued, nervous, not sure why this topless guy hadn't let him go yet. "You never eat or drink anything, you don't go out in the sunlight" Plus he was topless, that was the real give away, in Eric's not so vast experience with vampires he had discovered they did seem to like getting their perfectly smooth pecks out at every opportunity. _Hmmm I wonder who does their waxing? _

"I know what you are"

"Say it, out loud" Edward breathed in his face. He really did want Eric to say it. He had a speech impediment which meant his V's sounded more like R's. 'I'm a rery rery bad rampire' never scared the stuffing out of anyone. "Say it!"

Eric panted, hoping that he would finally let go "Vampire"

Edward sighed like the air was let out of him and stepped back.

"Gay" Eric whispered under his breath.

"What was that?"

"I said errrr Yay"

Edward slumped back on the ground "Right then" he picked up the baseball and felt the seams between his fingers. He ran his fingers over the surface gently. He pulled his arm back and threw. Somewhere in the back of the factory a clang rang out.

"See" Eric jumped up. After all this guy maybe a vampire but seeing Thea again was on the line. She was probably half way to some tropical paradise by now, without her snuggly wuggly Eric. "That's not fair. He's a vampire, I'm human."

Hunter shrugged "Don't care" He really didn't.

"Fine" Eric gritted his teeth as Hunter handed him a second ball.

"Mehahah" He let out a girly cry as the ball landed two feet from him. "Drat"

Hunter drew another line on the chalkboard and Eric swallowed. 3-2


	5. Bet you didn't see THAT coming!

The next one is dedicated to two of my reviewers, who suggested arts and crafts and interior design as challenges for Edward and Eric. Now my crazed imagination NATURALLY shoved the two together like some weird crisp and tuna sandwich. AND what do you get when you mix paper, colouring in AND houses????? Yup guys yet another cross-over!

Hunter Redfern didn't really know why he had decided on the next challenge. It was all irrelevant really. He was going to enjoy the girlish screams of whoever got pushed into the shredder. It had just come to him suddenly. He had been shopping for man-tan in the Harman store, after all vampires don't love the sunlight but how else was he not going to look completely out of place in Vegas? When he was a puritan he had worn at lot worse......that's when he had seen it. It was just a white box, with a paper house inside. He figured the boys could colour it in and re arrange the furniture and whose looked most like the Barbie Dream house would get the next point. He's even gone out and bought some Barbies. It did come with some little paper figures to draw on but Hunter liked the idea of the Barbies better.

He'd picked up two of the boxes and a bottle of Maybelline self tan, not appreciating the giggles from Blaise Harman who was working behind the cash register. Looking back he'd realised she'd been laughing the games rather than the man tan. After all she was a modern kind of witch.

When he got home he'd had a hard time putting them down, but skin does not go goldenly brown by itself. So he resisted to have a sneak peak, and got out his exfoliating gloves instead.

Eric and Edward looked at the boxes. Both boys sat cross legged on the steel floor of the second level of the factory. Between them were the games, a assortment of felt-tip pens in every colour of the rainbow, plus Barbie Rapunzel, Chloe Bratz, The Little Mermaid, and Teenage Pregnancy Barbie, complete with dilating uterus.

"I want the sky blue pen" Eric muttered

"That's Bella's favourite colour" Edward glared back "I want it"

Eric folded his arms childishly "I called dibs"

"I'll eat you" The vampire pulled back his lips to reveal his teeth "I'm evil remember!"

"No you won't" Eric reached for the pen, snatching at it, despite the fact that Edward SHOULD have had faster reflexes. _ It'll be all that practice being captain of the school SNAP! Team. _ He thought. That was how Eric REALLY made Varsity. "Because if you kill me then Hunter Redfern will only have YOU left to put in the Frosted Flakes sooooo Nuhhhhh" And he stuck out his tongue, knowing he was truly awesome.

"Fine, Bella looks better in brown anyway" Edward reached for the brown felt tip and began to colour.

Hunter quickly ran out of plasters, it seems vampires are vulnerable to wood and safety scissors. The boys did manage to cut the pieces of cardboard out, but the red plastic scissors soon committed owwies on Edward and Eric fingers as everyone 'got a little too excited'.

Hunter was however quite pleased that come the millennium he now had a new secret material that he could use again the vampires that did not stand with him. He'd start buying them up right away!

Dimly he wondered whether in fact a Dragon's secret weakness was the paper cut.

Eric knew exactly how he wanted his house. He reached for the purple pen, eyeing up Edward warningly, should he dare try and call shotgun. The best colours always ran out after one use. The strange paper house had rose print carpet already but Eric had decided to scribble over it and make it a kaleidoscope of coloured squares. In HIS house he would have his very own disco floor with which to dance with Thea until she screamed and screamed for mercy. Oh if only it were a real house. He drew fake little shelves for fake little trophies. After all he had to put his medals from the school gardening club somewhere. And the year he had one best dressed wench at the Renaissance Fair was the proudest moment of his life. THAT trophy needed a place, even if it was in a fake paper house. Hmmm, Eric pulled two card figures out of the bottom of the box. He eyed them suspiciously. One was a wolf with his teeth bared, the other gave him shivers, it was a snake. He tore up the snake. They for him were generally unlucky and tended to turn up, at school, in his bed, inside his shoes in fact all sorts of places. Thea said he just had one of those faces. But the wolf looked cool, he thought, and sort of neon, so he wrote DURAN DURAN on the bottom and taped it to one of the walls of the disco room. A cool 80s pop mural would make his house a real Barbie Magnet.

Edward sat and looked at his house in quiet contemplation. He had assembled his furniture with difficulty. DIY had never been his strong point. Mummy Cullen refused to let him near a screwdriver after he accidently stabbed his own thumb. Thankfully she kept the power tools locked up. He protested, saying he wanted to help, but she merely shooed him away saying that a nice native American werewolf always helped her all the things his father couldn't manage. He assumed that meant the broken spin dryer.

He wished fervently for some scented candles, his paper house would look so much better with some scatter cushions, a few candles and a glade plug in air fresher. He looked at the felt tip pens in disgust. How was he supposed to work with such materials! He held a Victorian coffee table in his hands pondering. Now the Feng Shui had to be just right. The balance of elements and all that crud. He had read a book on it, it was his favourite after that L J Smith girl. She was awesome. He wasn't sure how she knew so much about vampires back in the 90s as he was pretty sure he'd not done that interview with Stephanie Meyer until quite recently hmmmmmm.

THAT was a funny story, well sort of, Bella posted him on , she did like to joke. He'd starting getting emails from girls and Edward liked to talk, so it worked out for the best really. Even though he would never ever cheat on his precious princess, the most perfect Bella.

He sighed. Oh Bella, if only they could live in this perfectly Chi balanced paradise. Unfortunately since Eric kept stealing all the pens he decided to cover the whole thing in tip-ex. A white paradise. White is supposed to be cleansing right? Bella did have a greasy T zone. Only problem was the fumes were making him high.

What was that at on the lid???? Hmmm instructions?????

Hunter stood back brushing the hair of Chloe Bratz, he found it therapeutic, kind of like that James Bond villain and his cat. He needed soothing. Edward was giggling wide eyed whilst staring at the inverted U on the lid. Luckily they were in a factory of cereal so if he got the munchies later it wouldn't be a problem.

Eric was connecting all the pens end to end to see how long a stick he could make before it broke.

Yup Chloe Bratz seemed like a great option.


	6. It's not easy being evil!

There's quite a few forbidden game in jokes here so apologies if none of you have read. If you haven't then you fail! Always open to suggestions as the last lot I had spawned this particular challenge, which I've really enjoyed writing. Hope you're liking the result.

Edward looked at the instructions with amusement, he raised his right hand "I swear that I am playing this game of my own free will, and that errr its ALL real" he giggled girlishly still high on the tip-ex fumes. If only he had some Pringles this would be so awesome.

He reached for the lid again, what next? Some strange upside down U? Eric was not paying any attention to the Vampire, he was too busy having a slumber party with Barbie Rapunzel and The Little Mermaid. Teenage Pregnancy Barbie had not been invited because she was fat.

"Will you braid my hair Ariel? Its so long and luscious" Eric's voice was high pitched and girly "Yes ofcourse Barbie Rapunzel, it IS long and luscious, and you can't tell you're not a natural blonde at ALL you're roots don't show one bit!" He jiggled the dolls as he spoke "Yes I know, I go to a expensive salon, you should come with me Ariel, we can get your devil's red hair sorted in no time! Why that's so kind of you Barbie!"

Edward squinted, finding it hard to concentrate, the fumes were really starting to effect this vision now, the box seemed to be glinting, blue eyes seemed to be staring at him from inside his paper house. Next time he was going to use crayon, this was far too intense. The strange U on his box seemed to flash. Edward felt sick, he was going to throw up. Flashing lights and a feeling like the hangover from hell do not make for a happy vampire. Eric's high pitched girly conversations were throbbing in his head. Suddenly he felt like the whole world was spinning. A wind came from no where.

Distantly he heard Hunter Redfern exclaim "Oh you have GOT to be kidding"

Then he blacked out.

When he came too all Edward could see was white. And more White. Where was he. He sat up, his head hurting more than that time Jacob had done Do Vampires bounce? as his school project for the science fair. He had come in second. Mummy Cullen had not been pleased. She said the photography alone deserved the blue ribbon prize.

Gradually everything came into focus. Hunter Redfern and Eric were standing over him. Neither looked happy, but Hunter looked particularly ticked off.

"Where are we?" Edward muttered "And where's Bella?"

Eric rolled his eyes "Not again"

"How come we got to go into HIS house? Mine has a disco room and cocktail bar and games room. His is just stupid white." Eric stamped his foot.

Hunter glared venomously. He was never going to live this down. No wonder Blaise Harman had been in hysterics when he had bought the games. A shadowman! He had fallen into a shadowman's trap. Of all the obvious stupid things he could have done. This was worse than the time he got completely wasted at a Solstice Party and mooned Thierry Descoudres. He was never going to live this down! "Shut up you idiot" he looked around the white house. No sign of the shadowman, no doubt he was watching, examining his prey before starting the game. "Look come out will you!" He ordered. He was Hunter Redfern after all.

He heard a laugh, it was a light laugh, like the sound of a crystal shattering. Then in the doorway a figure appeared. He was startlingly beautiful, which had no effect on Hunter, he was surrounded by Nightworld creatures. If he thought he was going use THIS game to get laid then he was in for a shock. He had bright blue eyes, indescribably blue, so indescribably blue that I won't bother to describe them, but I might spend half this story telling you how indescribably blue they are even though I've already SAID they're indescribable! I might put a lot of effort saying things that are almost like that colour even though you readers pretty much know what the colour blue is, and how the colour blue can be indescribable beats me, because being blue is sorta a description right? Jane has a ball and it was BLUE, its not Jane has a ball and it was that colour between sunrise and sunset but not quite because Jane's ball is indescribable. And his hair was errr white.

The Shadow man stalked towards them with his eyes that were almost but not quite blue. He held out his hand, a sly smile played on his lips "This is my game, who are you to command me?"

Hunter stood up straight. He was not going to be intimated by a shadowman, he'd rather let a werewolf beat him down on Halo 3 "I'm Hunter Redfern"

The shadowman withdrew his hand "A Vampire, I see. I'm Julian"

"Gay" Eric muttered under his breath.

Julian turned his head and Eric screamed like a girl. In his head Eric saw snakes, hundreds and thousands of snakes.

Hunter smiled, maybe they could be friends after all. He reached out his hand and Julian took it.

"I don't get many Vampires down here, I tend to play them when the need takes me but aside from that" Julian grinned remembered a certain girl with a phobia of needles.

Hunter nodded "I expect your work keeps you busy, but this is some sort of mistake, you see THIS" He pointed to Edward still recovering on the floor "Accidentally summoned you during MY game"

Julian raised an eyebrow, interested, he liked games "Your game?"

Hunter nodded "Yes I'm going to kill one of them"

"Just one?" Julian asked matter of factly "If you want I could kill both for you, save you the trouble"

Hunter thought about it for a moment, "No I shouldn't really, responsibilities and all that"

The shadow man began to pace up and down the house, it looked naff white he decided "You take your work very seriously, I understand. Its such a pressure"

Hunter sat down on a white chaise lounge "You have no idea, my underlings keep turning to the good side, somebody's got to keep on top of killing all these soulmates AND I've got an apocalypse to organise, I've barely any time to myself!"

Julian sat next to him "I know how you feel, I get summoned left right and centre, and I'm stalking this human. I wish I could split myself in two sometimes. Its not easy being evil"

"I'm with you bro" The Vampire replied.

There was a awkward pause. The Shadow man looked him directly in the eye. Hunter,suddenly wondered whether Eric had been partly right. He jumped up quickly. "Sooooo"

"I suppose I should let you get on with it" Julian replied "Since you had first dibs and all"

"Yeah" Hunter stared at the floor hoping he wouldn't take his own shadow stalker back with him. He hated when that happened.

Julian put his hands together and the three of them disappeared leaving him alone in the white house. Well that had been......magical. His hair had been a wonderful honey colour, and his eyes he bet they changed colour when they were angry and sad. OH he would have to watch and find out!

Back in the real world Hunter walked straight over to the chalkboard. Edward was in deep trouble. He drew two more lines under his name.

"Hey NO fair" Edward cried out.

Hunter turned around to face him "Eric did not get us summoned to the shadow world, he did not get me a shadow man stalker, so that's two points"

"Plus his house was the stupidest, especially from the inside" Eric added.

Hunter took the chalk and drew another line. Eric was right.

Edward 6 – Eric – 2


	7. Apples are LAME!

Hunter sighed, this wasn't really turning into much of a contest. He had a few more ideas up his sleeve. A Karaoke round, which he pretty much new Eric would lose. In fact he'd barely brought the Singstar out of the box before another chalk mark made its apparently on the board. He'd seen Edward eyeing up the High School Musical number, but lets face it, nothing much bets Rick Astley.

Even Zac Efron, now THAT was someone Hunter would have gladly watched die in a horrific shredder accident. It was a shame he was a Dragon, (some form of dark energy had been responsible for 17 again) and pretty useful come the impending apocalypse. Once again, Hunter hated politics.

He took out an apple and started to munch on it. Eating fruit always helped him think.

Edward started to twitch nervously. "I like apples" He muttered

Hunter glared, he didn't like it when the hostages spoke out of turn, and Edward was still not forgiven for the whole Julian incident. "Its my apple"

"I can do this cool trick if you want to drop it" The vampire kicked at his shoes, longingly.

Hunter stared at his half eaten apple "Its my apple, I'm eating it, why on earth would I want to drop it for your pathetic amusement?"

"But" Edward moaned "But its a really cool trick I PROMISE... and I can play keepie uppie with it for hours" he kicked at his feet again. All his friends knew (even the imaginary ones) that at homecoming when Edward Cullen got really drunk and started playing keepie uppie with assorted round fruit that the big guns were being brought out. It was the only party trick he knew apart from getting stuck up a tree. But hey IT had got him laid at least once.

Hunter humoured him and dropped the apple.

Edward kicked at it with his feet and it rolled over the side of the balcony

Eric sighed "LAME"

"It works usually!"

Hunter dusted off his hands. This was becoming far too much like hard work. This teenage attempt at a vampire had not only landed him with a gay shadow stalker but had now swiped half his apple. Chalkboard aside. If he let him live much longer who knows what trouble he could get Hunter into, and he did have the end of the world toga party to plan. Choosing which flavour pringles to serve was going to be a nightmare!

"Edward take two steps to your right for me"

Edward took two steps to his left.

"No YOUR OTHER RIGHT"

Edward did as he was told

"Now a few more back...that's it"

Eric kept quiet. It hadn't escaped his notice that Edward was now positioned right in front of the hopper to the infamous frosted flake shredder. Poppy was going to be stoked. She loved Twilight! She was getting her own piece of the star!

Hunter walked towards Cullen. He smiled. "Guess what Edward, you won!"

"I did, that's great!"

"Yeah" Hunter gave him a push and he fell back, one quick switch of a button and the blood curdling screams began. It was like a symphony to Hunter's ears after all the whining he'd had to put up with. The special promotional boxes of cereal began to roll off the production line, each with its own little surprise. Edward had been surprisingly easy to chop up.

Eric looked at Hunter nervously "So I can just go?"

Hunter sighed "I suppose so"

Eric grinned, now he could find his precious snoochums!

Somewhere in China, Thea Harman was fastening a noose to a wooden beam.

The End!

Hoped you like it, sorry it took me so long to get the last bit done, been busy having a life and all that :)


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